February in Review

Let's see if I can pick up some of the missing pieces of February before it is gone for good. This month Ben sang with his class at the Harmon's grocery store. Now if you know Ben, you know that Ben does not put up with annoyances very well. So, there was the entire 1st grade in Harmon's singing away. Ben was standing by this girl. . . she was a head taller than him. Ben was having a great time singing. On the last song Ben kept including actions. . . probably ones they had learned with it, but I don't think they were supposed to be using them there. Anyway, this girl next to Ben kept getting after him about it. Finally, the song ended. All was quiet, except I saw this girl get after Ben again. Suddenly he turns to her and yells "I wasn't doing that!" He got pulled out of the group until they lined up to leave. However, in his defense, this girl was annoying him the entire time. I would have yelled at her too.
Of course, there was this other incident. The chorister in our primary works in the lunch room at Ben's school. She told me that the other day Ben got into a yelling match with another student in the lunch room. Lucky for me, my friend keeps an eye on Ben, so she ran out to take care of it. . . and probably kept Ben out of trouble. Apparently this other kid said Ben was not very good at basketball. Oh, imagine. Ben, who is pretty easily offended took great offense at this. How could someone say something like that. Sounds like Nate and I need to get out and play a little basketball with Ben.
Yesterday we did mommy/daughter, daddy/son dates. Ben and Nate went to play lazer tag and race track. The girls and I got our hair done and went to watch cousins Nikki and Sidney dance at a competition here in Ogden. We had a great time. Rachel was mesmerized by all the beautiful costumes and dancing. Maybe we will finally get her some dance lessons.
February 2010. . . over. I wonder where we will be in February of 2011.

That's Not a Word

This last little bit I have been playing Facebook Scrabble with a few in my family. Last week Nate and I started playing eachother. Last night we were playing. Rachel was watching me as I tried to brainstorm some way to use an X. When I brain storm I try all kinds of things. Hey, I have a limited vocabulary, so I am always trying to stumble on a word that is not currently in my vocabulary. I had laid ASEX down. Rachel laughed and said "SEX. Mom, that's not a word." Nathan was just agreeing with her when Ben piped in "SEXY!" Hmm. . . we couldn't find a way around that one. We just changed the subject. I am going to have to be more careful with that X.

Danger: Way too Personal

I have thought about what to write here or if I should write anything at all. The outcome is, though this is probably too personal for a normal blog, it is cleansing to get it out to a small group of friends.

I erased my last couple of posts so if you didn't already know, we lost our baby. It was almost a week ago that I found out. Thursday, dreading what was about to happen we checked into the hospital to get the miscarriage going. They gave me a medication to soften my cervix. I was afraid the pain was going to be bad, but I labored mild for about twelve hours and then it was over. I only had to have one dose of pain medicine. Once the baby was out we found out it was a boy. He got the cord wrapped around his leg really tight. It cut off the blood flow. The doctor said that it is very rare for the cause of death to be a cord accident so the chances of my next pregnancy being normal are good.

I thought I had dealt pretty well with things. By the time Thursday came I didn't even need to cry anymore, but coming home, everything over, was harder than I imagined. It was a overwhelmingly empty feeling. I was so thankful to have Nathan with me every step. Our family gave us the entire weekend to just be together while they kept our kids. We needed it and enjoyed the time we had together. Although, by the end we were both anxious to have the commotion return to our home. We were missing the kids.

How do I really feel about all of this. I feel that it wasn't God's will for us to raise this little boy. I am ok with that. Just wish I could have. :) And. . . I am so thankful for my noisy, naughty, wonderful children. Never have I been more grateful that they made it to me to make my life what it is today.

So, the far too personal blog is done. I went back to work today. It feels good to try to return to normal. . . like how I just asked the kids who had stinky feet and Ben replied "it's me. I have fart feet." Thank goodness for children who are able to leave sadness behind and return to normal easily. They make it easier for me too.

Mother Guilt

I am two weeks into my new job now. . . really three if you count my first week in which I did nothing. :) I received my first paycheck. . . and consequently, since I am on a salary, I still got paid that week. Getting a paycheck again was awesome. So far I am liking my job. Last week was my first week using my online classroom. Admittedly, it was a little scary and awkward. I got through it though and next week will be much easier. The students are all nice kids and I had a lot of fun getting to know them. I like working with a little bit older student. They have a bit more of an opinion in life. I have two students here in Ogden so I talked with the parents about visiting them. I might as well get to see some faces.

In the end though, work is still work. I get up, get Ben ready and off to school, then I come home and go to work. Some days I work for a couple hours and then break. Those days are better because i can give a bit of attention to the girls. Wednesday's it seems like i am scheduled non stop. Last Wednesday was really hard on the girls. I may have to get a sitter once a week. Friday I had done my break, but I could see the girls were still bored. I had to get back online so I did something desperate. I got out paints, real word painting paint, gave the girls some wood blocks and left them to paint there hearts out. The whole time I thought I must be crazy. . . but actually, they did very well. Two hours later when I emerged from my office (unfortunately, that is also my bedroom) there was no paint on the floor and the blocks were painted. Rachel even put her name on the blocks.

I know it's hard on them. I sat down with Rachel and reasoned with her in terms of money. I told her how much I make an hour. She was amazed. . . I mean.. . I doesn't take much to amaze a 5 year old who thinks in terms of the toys she could buy with that money. It's hard not to feel guilty about not being there 100%, but at least I am there. I still feel very lucky, even with my guilt, that I got this job. Especially with so many teachers being laid off this year after many districts doing major budget makeovers. There are going to be a lot of people looking for jobs. So, once again, I am so thankful for this blessing.