I have thought about what to write here or if I should write anything at all. The outcome is, though this is probably too personal for a normal blog, it is cleansing to get it out to a small group of friends.
I erased my last couple of posts so if you didn't already know, we lost our baby. It was almost a week ago that I found out. Thursday, dreading what was about to happen we checked into the hospital to get the miscarriage going. They gave me a medication to soften my cervix. I was afraid the pain was going to be bad, but I labored mild for about twelve hours and then it was over. I only had to have one dose of pain medicine. Once the baby was out we found out it was a boy. He got the cord wrapped around his leg really tight. It cut off the blood flow. The doctor said that it is very rare for the cause of death to be a cord accident so the chances of my next pregnancy being normal are good.
I thought I had dealt pretty well with things. By the time Thursday came I didn't even need to cry anymore, but coming home, everything over, was harder than I imagined. It was a overwhelmingly empty feeling. I was so thankful to have Nathan with me every step. Our family gave us the entire weekend to just be together while they kept our kids. We needed it and enjoyed the time we had together. Although, by the end we were both anxious to have the commotion return to our home. We were missing the kids.
How do I really feel about all of this. I feel that it wasn't God's will for us to raise this little boy. I am ok with that. Just wish I could have. :) And. . . I am so thankful for my noisy, naughty, wonderful children. Never have I been more grateful that they made it to me to make my life what it is today.
So, the far too personal blog is done. I went back to work today. It feels good to try to return to normal. . . like how I just asked the kids who had stinky feet and Ben replied "it's me. I have fart feet." Thank goodness for children who are able to leave sadness behind and return to normal easily. They make it easier for me too.
2 comments:
Oh Steph, what could I write that would take the pain away and make it all better...You are a wonderful mother and wife. You give your children and husband comfort and security. I've heard you express your sincere desire to raise your children in righteousness and love and you have the faith to do it.
A Mother's heart is so vernerable. I wish at times we were immortal and didn't have to deal with loss or sorrow. It would be nice to have a perfect knowledge of everthing going on in our crazy lives, but the good book says "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:". But now that I think about it a mother's heart is immortal. It can break, yet heals itself if we let it. It loves, laughs, crys, tires, and needs a vacation once in awhile. But when it's time for Mom to say goodbye, her heart stays with her children and grandchildren always. The heart will beat stronger with each day we rededicate ourselves to The Lord.
Pain and sorrow make the bright days seem brighter and our little ragamuffins sweeter.
God bless you Steph and Nate, Ben, Rachel, Emily and little boy Baxter, who just couldn't let heaven go. How would it be to linger with Heavenly Father for just a while longer?
Stephanie, I am SO sorry. I know what you are going through. We lost our first son 11 years ago this month. If you want to talk please call. I had good and bad days. You are a great mother. I am so sad you had to experience this.
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